In a time of change, their friendship hasn’t. Kayce Toliver (daughter of Tiffini and Jess Toliver) and Colt Craven (son of Amy and Ahren Craven) first met in 2018 when they walked through the doors of Eagle Grove Elementary and into Angie Anderson’s preschool classroom. Kayce was quiet. She didn’t speak to her classmates. Colt needed no words and instead offered her his hand to hold during gym class, and they’ve been inseparable ever since. Even COVID and months apart couldn’t keep them from being there for each other.
Kayce looks just like any other elementary school girl. She wears bows in her hair and a smile on her face, but what makes her different from all her classmates is that she doesn’t speak – not because she can’t, but because she is on the autism spectrum and has selective mutism. This means Kayce chooses not to speak. They’re not really sure why, but one idea is that it helps her feel in control of high social anxiety situations. In preschool, she would talk at home, just not in school. In October of 2020, she stopped talking in daycare. On December 26, 2020, exactly two years after the Toliver’s home was destroyed in a fire, she stopped talking altogether. Tiffini doesn’t believe the fire plays a role in that, because they haven’t talked about it in quite a while. Could COVID have played a part in this change? Tiffini says it’s not impossible. One of the things Kayce has a hard time with is change – she doesn’t even like it when they change the bulletin board at school, or change what’s supposed to be served for lunch, so the changes that COVID brought in her daily routine affected her more than the average person.
Colt is a happy little guy, who just like all of the other kids in his class, loves books, puzzles, and having friends. Colt also has Down Syndrome. Like Kayce, routine is important to him. When COVID shut down school last year, not only did it disrupt his sense of normalcy and daily routines, but it kept him from his best friend, Kayce.
“Change is hard,” said Tiffini, explaining that it’s even more difficult for children with autism and Down Syndrome. “Kayce just doesn’t handle it well.”
In addition to trying to help their children adjust to a different way of school, via Zoom, Amy and Tiffini had to help their children adjust to being away from their classmates, especially each other. Kayce and Colt were almost inseparable at school, they and their moms even used to meet up for social interactions outside of school hours. They would go to the movies together and have play dates. Kayce and Tiffini have gone to support Colt at the Buddy Walk for Down Syndrome, and Colt and Amy are proud to participate in the Autism Walk in support of Kayce. COVID put a stop to all of that. But Amy and Tiffini were determined to keep the two connected as much as possible.
One of the Craven’s favorite things was when Kayce and the Tolivers sent them an indoor snowball fight. Amy said there have been many fun hours spent in their house throwing the soft white balls around at each other. Colt even sent Kayce a video of them playing with the snowballs. Tiffini said Kayce has watched that video over, and over, and over again and it makes her smile every time.
“She’s happy…she smiles, she just doesn’t talk,” explained Tiffini.
Another COVID favorite activity for Colt was when Amy would tell Colt he had gotten mail.
“From Kayce?” he would always ask his mom, full of excitement.
The two families regularly sent cards, notes, and gifts in the mail from their children.
“They just have a really cool friendship, even though COVID really screwed up their time being together,” said Amy. “Their time together may have changed, but their relationship hasn’t suffered because of it.”
Both moms agreed, though, that their kids being separated from physical contact for so long was really rough on them.
“They don’t necessarily have the capability to understand why they couldn’t be in school and be together,” said Amy.
“They just knew their world had changed,” Tiffini added.
In the big scheme of things, Amy said she felt that Colt and Kayce adapted to the situation really well.
“But they really missed each other,” said Tiffini.
When August of this year rolled around, Amy and Tiffini were thrilled that not only would their kids be back in school with their peers, but the fact that Colt and Kayce would be in the same first grade classroom with teacher Jen Conaway. Finally, the best friends could be together again, even if they did have to take extra precautions like wearing masks. At least they could be together during school hours.
While Kayce has some sensitivity issues, her mom said she still does a good job wearing her mask. Colt has done great at wearing his as well. In fact, Amy has noticed an unexpected benefit from it, saying Colt hasn’t missed a day of school yet this year. Last year, he missed a whole month straight because of sicknesses which he seems to be prone to. In fact, this is the first time he’s been to school for more than half the year total…so for him, wearing a mask has been a huge benefit.
Nonetheless, it’s obvious that Colt is anxious for life to get back to his normal routine. He often asks his mom if they can go out again and he can spend time out of school with Kayce. He asks, “When people are done being sick?”
Amy and Tiffini are also grateful that their children were back in school this year to celebrate Down Syndrome Day on March 21, and Autism Awareness this April. It’s something they didn’t get to do last year. For both Amy and Tiffini, it’s not a matter of making sure they have a day to celebrate their children with special needs, but rather having a day to educate others about their children’s uniqueness…and how they’re really not different from any other kid who just wants to have fun and have friends.
“We don’t do special days to bring attention to our kids. It’s about bringing awareness, acceptance, and inclusion,” said Tiffini.
Amy said that when Colt was first born, she and her husband said they weren’t going to talk about his Down Syndrome because they wanted him to be known as Colt…not Colt, the kid with Down Syndrome.
“But the older he gets, the more we want to talk about it to help educate people,” said Amy.
She is grateful that his classmates don’t see Colt as the kid with Down Syndrome. When they talk about him, they say things like, “He’s so nice.” “He’s so sweet.” All positive comments. That’s what they notice, not that he has autism.
Tiffini agreed that educating people about autism is why they share their story.
“We don’t always understand what we don’t see…and autism doesn’t have a look,” she said.
That’s why at the start of the school year Tiffini reads a book to Kayce’s class (this year she sent it for the teacher to read because of COVID) called “The Lion Who Couldn’t Roar.” She explaines that the lion can’t find his roar, just like Kayce doesn’t use her voice. She also tells them, “Kayce won’t ask you to play, but she will play with you if you ask her.”
Playing together is something Kayce and Colt have never had difficulty with and something Colt obviously understood from the very beginning of their relationship. These two young children have proven to many that there are no words needed between true friends. From that first day when Colt took Kayce’s hand in the gym, to facing a world of being separated during COVID, they have always been there for each other. Will Kayce start talking again when she is able to spend one-on-one time with Colt? Maybe. Hopefully. But it really doesn’t matter to Colt. He likes her just the way she is. In a time of change, these two special friends have not changed at all…they still have each other and love each other for exactly who they are.
