My bedroom closets have seen many iterations in style and capacity over the years. I’ve been the “I love this shirt, so I have it in 6 colors” person. Unsurprisingly during that time I was also the person for whom a walk-in closet just wasn’t enough room. Conversely, a few years ago, I had my wardrobe pared down to 20 beloved pieces total. My minimalist phase—such a simple time. But now, I am firmly ensconced in my “sweatpants and stuff with paint on it” era for a couple reasons, one more obvious than the other.
The obvious reason for my clothing choices is I am an artist, and a messy abstract one at that. I have a beautiful canvas apron that I forget to wear about 95% of the time. I have a full coverall (a la Michael Myers) that I have never worn. When the need to paint strikes, I just go with it. Consequently, I have loads of formerly “nice” shirts with acrylic paint stains on the front from leaning over a painting to see details, and pants with colorful hand-shaped wipe marks on the hip region—because in a moment of creative flow, I cannot be bothered with stopping to grab a proper towel. I have retired so many beloved shirts to the “paint clothes” section of my closet that the ratio has shifted from mostly “good” pieces to mostly stained. It’s a sign that most of my days are spent in joyful creativity, however, so I consider owning a lot of ruined clothing a good problem.
The less obvious reason is a conscious choice of healing on my part. I used to be a people pleaser, and one of my habits was over-shopping. I was addicted to having the “right look” that would express who I am, and simultaneously make me feel more comfortable in my own skin without having to do all sorts of pesky healing work. If I get these cargo pants, I’ll look tougher and people will not walk all over me. If I get this dress that accentuates my waist, I won’t feel so bad about the size of my behind. If I have the “right” look for all occasions it will make me feel right on all occasions. Spoiler alert—turns out that strategy doesn’t work and is a wildly colossal waste of energy and money. Trying too hard to be liked always made me feel wrong. I wasn’t being the authentic me, and therefore I always, in all outfits and occasions, felt like a sham. Now, I dress for comfort and utility. Nothing else. If I have to look like someone else, or present myself in a way that feels inauthentic, I’m not going. Full stop.
In a radical effort to remain true to myself and my career, and to help heal the versions of me who just couldn’t stand abandonment or disapproval, I now stand here before you, stained in paint and clad in $8 joggers. I am a less aesthetic, but much more authentic, version of myself. I love this era.
Sara Middleton is a freelance columnist and resident artist/owner of Studio Sol Gallery & Creative Space in Eagle Grove, Iowa. Email her at sara.studiosol@gmail.com or find Studio Sol on Facebook or Instagram.
